tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post4873390412382416555..comments2024-02-06T21:22:28.723-05:00Comments on Flutey Words...: The Opening ParagraphsAubriehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10884036126491922530noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-32350206548276488572010-03-24T21:10:52.679-04:002010-03-24T21:10:52.679-04:00everybody allready said what I wanted ta say.... :...everybody allready said what I wanted ta say.... :)bettieleehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02113663226939801759noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-64671036971402680642010-03-22T12:03:26.557-04:002010-03-22T12:03:26.557-04:00I was going to say the same thing as Theresa... I ...I was going to say the same thing as Theresa... I think if you were to write from the perspective of one of the guard monks, it would grab the reader more. How does the guard feel about the sudden vibration of sound? The unclasping of the hands holding the sword? It felt more like a really excellent synopsis to me but once you get into a character's head, I think you'll really have it. Your writing is lovely!Julie Daohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13814052162359300933noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-11533290477892573592010-03-22T11:50:23.548-04:002010-03-22T11:50:23.548-04:00These comments are amazing and I'm rewriting t...These comments are amazing and I'm rewriting the whole thing with these in mind. Thank you, all!Aubriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10884036126491922530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-90898714340386572822010-03-22T11:32:43.482-04:002010-03-22T11:32:43.482-04:00Aubrie, I've never read this genre, but I read...Aubrie, I've never read this genre, but I read the comments here. This is in omniscient point of view, but I don't know if that's what you're aiming for. I'd open with this very old monk over in a corner watching this happen. What he thinks, how it affects him. Has he heard the legend of the sword and thought that's all it was? Or has he been waiting for this all his life? That kind of thing. But since I've never read this genre, I might be all wrong. Good luck with whatever you choose.Carol Kilgorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15168273312704732896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-77448229784095150792010-03-21T23:41:20.797-04:002010-03-21T23:41:20.797-04:00It has great tone for sure. Try cutting out all th...It has great tone for sure. Try cutting out all the adjectives and then see how it stands. This will show you the skeleton of the paragraphs. If it still doesn't carry the setting and tone you want, then rewrite with external focus on one object, either the bad guy or the sword, I would suggest. <br /><br />Good luck and thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm excited to get to know you!Jackeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03351019926958000627noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-34142806166601910242010-03-21T21:55:45.164-04:002010-03-21T21:55:45.164-04:00Everyone has had such good suggestions. The second...Everyone has had such good suggestions. The second paragraph seemed a little "telly" to me. It would be good to have some action right up front. I'm sure it'll turn out great!Angiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01445455787485222068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-39805250792186542452010-03-21T18:20:18.086-04:002010-03-21T18:20:18.086-04:00I'm not sure about the phrase the blade’s song...I'm not sure about the phrase <em>the blade’s song unfurled</em>. Unfurled to me seems like something a scroll would do, not a song. Maybe the song crests to a crescendo or some other more musical term?sarahjayne smythehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02589820347348973092noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-51790980778172778082010-03-21T18:17:50.535-04:002010-03-21T18:17:50.535-04:00I like it. The others' suggestions sound good ...I like it. The others' suggestions sound good too.Lisa Rusczykhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17771775256505045469noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-88720488874454323672010-03-21T14:34:16.823-04:002010-03-21T14:34:16.823-04:00I'm a little late, I know, but I concur. You ...I'm a little late, I know, but I concur. You might even consider not starting with the foreshadowing - but rather start with your protagonist and then cut in to the sword. But it depends on what works best for the story.<br /><br />Btw, Aubrie - I'm going to start working on a possible entry soon. Let me know if you want to swap stories to read.<br /><br />(Still not seeing good names from the word verifications, btw. This one? "balsoodi.")Lindsey Duncanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06544943749349803429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-71243020518587735612010-03-21T13:41:34.365-04:002010-03-21T13:41:34.365-04:00These are very good comments *rushes back to rewri...These are very good comments *rushes back to rewrite*Aubriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10884036126491922530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-39408137770867767722010-03-21T13:39:59.472-04:002010-03-21T13:39:59.472-04:00I agree with both comments. I want something more ...I agree with both comments. I want something more concrete. I like the mood you're setting but even with the art of showing we still need some tell. Give us a name or an exact place or something we can relate to right from the beginning...or not. That's just what I like to do.Mary Grayhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14381578745894421730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-18957015526203056632010-03-21T13:03:57.417-04:002010-03-21T13:03:57.417-04:00Thoughts: The words "nestled" and "...Thoughts: The words "nestled" and "hum" do not give off a very ominous tone. <br /><br />And to piggy back on Theresa's comment... perhaps someone comes and tries to take the sword, but it is not the right someone. The sword awakes and that wrong someone dies in the tomb because of the bloodlust curse.... (I'm just brainstorming here... obviously you would end up with something much more eloquent :D)... and then the scene fades out with the sword calling to its true master...... something like that perhaps??? Good luck!!!Valerie Gearyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17165554338889917253noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5081887188939480455.post-64102536293772544952010-03-21T12:58:35.094-04:002010-03-21T12:58:35.094-04:00Maybe focus on one person's coming upon the sw...Maybe focus on one person's coming upon the sword from long before your protagonist. Give it a more concrete feel.<br /><br />The description is good but right now it feels too abstract to be as creepy as it could be.<br /><br />Hope this helps.Theresa Milsteinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03477761307315565259noreply@blogger.com